stop this world [prologue]

[jecca-o9.livejournal.com]

stop this world
PG
jonghyun/key
He comes in at 7 o'clock and 5 minutes in the morning.

Notes This was part of my 10 Jongkey drabbles from that Itunes meme. I always wanted to continue it, and I've wanted a HS!AU the first time I saw this fanart, so here it is.
Oh yeah, and this fic is locked because I don't know what I'm doing :D I mean I have the plot planned out, but my fics tend to run away from me, so T_T Unlocking, I'm going through with this. Here we go *_*

NOTE (04/17/2014) Because of the recent EYK issue, and a couple of other things, most of my old fic are now LOCKED. Same old process--if you want to read them, join the comm.

Prologue | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | Epilogue

His locker was right next to his.

He would always arrive at 7 o'clock and 5 minutes in the morning, and Kibum would always already be there. He'd watch out of the corner of his eye as the boy with pretty eyes and fair skin would remove his books from his locker. He'd toss them haphazardly into his bag and run his hand through his hair. Then he'd slam his locker door shut, and click the lock in place. At 7 o'clock and 7 minutes, Kibum would pretend to finish arranging his already very neat locker, and watch as the boy left.

7:05 am.
He watches out of the corner of his eye as the boy with pretty eyes and fair skin removes his books from his locker and tosses them haphazardly into his bag. He runs his hand through his hair, and slams his locker door shut. The boy catches his eye, gives him a grin, then clicks the lock in place.

7:07 am.
Kibum blinks. He looks inside his locker, then back at the boy, who was still smiling at him. He smiles back, timidly, looks at his shoes, looks back up at the boy--who now had his hand up in a wave, still smiling, the corners of his eyes crinkling, then walks away.

Kibum's heart is doing sommersaults in his chest; the bell rings.

Comments

[itachibana13.livejournal.com]

ah, i see. (: well okay, here goes.

i don't know if it was intended or not, but the first paragraph is in past tense, while the second two are in present tense. that's not really a big problem though, since it could be seen as intended.

the first paragraph is one huge run on sentence. I would end the sentence after 'tosses them haphazardly into his bag'. then i would end a second sentence after 'and slams his locker door shut'. so it would split into three sentences, so readers don't have to digest this huge one paragraph/sentence, you know? also, using 'haphazardly' is a bit too... big? like, the rest of the fic is written is a very casual way, but then you're suddenly stuck in a more formal word like that, and it throws readers off.

the last sentence of the second paragraph is also one big sentence, so i would cut that up a bit. also, you've already mentioned that key's locker in very neat and organized, so there's no need to say it again.

anddd, you spelled "somersaults" wrong. (:

that's just my two cents, feel free to ignore this if you wish lol. i think you have great potential!

[jecca-o9.livejournal.com]

Yep, it's intended. The first paragraph was for normalcy, to show what Kibum's routine is, and the second two indicate the change :)

Yeah, I have problems with run-ons. I try to make it so that the feeling you get when reading is as in a rush as what's happening. Probably shouldn't XD I'll take note of this.
Really? I didn't think haphazardly is a 'big' word XD It's pretty standard to me; it's the first that came to mind when I see people throw things around without caring, rofl. If it's bothersome, just think of it as one of those tween books that put in vocabulary words, wahahaha.

And you're right about the repitition, I tend to do that, I don't even know whyyy. /sobs My cousin pointed that out to me too in my other fic, lol.

Crap, word spell check isn't reliable D<

Thank you so much ♥ Want to beta the rest of my shit for me? :DD rofl

[itachibana13.livejournal.com]

ah, okay. i get it. (: like i said, could be seen as intended.

i get what you mean, but sometimes it's a bit too long, y'know?
it really isn't that "big" of a word, but compared to the casual style of words you used for the rest of the fic, it sounds too formal or something. lmfao tween book, i agree with that.

i dunno, sometimes it sounds right to the writers even if it sounds a little off to readers? i've experienced that.

no problem. :D and sure, why not. (: do you need my email or something? O:

[jecca-o9.livejournal.com]

Yes please :D You could message it to me if you don't want everyone else seeing your e-mail. Oh and I'll have to ask when are the most convenient times for you for me to send fic :)
Thank you! ♥!

[itachibana13.livejournal.com]

lmao idrc. itachibana13@gmail.com. i'm usually on around 5-11pm est, but you could send it at any time, and i'd just check next time i get on the computer.